Wednesday, January 28, 2009

I hate lil' wayne

I'll be the first to admit I have no idea what makes one hip hop artist any better/worse than the next but for the love of god...people...Lil' Wayne? The only things about this guy that stand out is how repulsive he is. Is it just me or doesn't his persona seem like the crackhead caricature from every black comedy show ever? Tyrone Biggins is a better more eloquent speaker with a less creepy grating voice. I'm sure his teeth or grill or whatever is probably worth more than I'm going to make in my lifetime but they still look worse than a poor British person's. He could be an extra in the back ground singing "consider yourself, at home!" in a production of Oliver easy.
Every song I hear him on they have his voice put through some sort of processor that makes him sound like a robot. I have a little experience being a singer/vocalist and do you know why they end up putting some one's vocals through a processor? Because it sucks, reverb, whatever the fuck they use is there to hide something. And he has an effect on his voice IN EVERY SONG. The best recording my band ever made had a shit ton of effects on my vocals, I'm not ashamed, I'm a horrible singer, I don't have the pipes to do it, I have the balls to do it. so maybe Lil' Shit has the balls to do it. But judging at how he seemingly insists upon playing horrible air guitar all the time in videos, he's not used to handling anything sizable in a phallic sense. I think he's about 4 feet tall too...fuckin christ, we need to demand famous people who actually deserve to be famous.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Two great quotes...In my opinion...

"Making love is pulling out and shooting on her back instead of her face."

"No balls? You crack open my chest and look where the heart should be, all you will find is another pair of balls."

Monday, December 29, 2008


Today at work I had two of my supervisors come up and tell me the exact same thing within a two minute does that show efficiency and thoroughness, or redundancy and uselessness?

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Day 2

Today we found out that plyometrics is actually the P90X way of saying cardio. I strayed horribly from my diet today, the chinese for dinner was accompanied by an attractive companion so how could I say no?
So yeah, for anyone not in Jersey, it snowed in NJ today. Where the shit did that come from? The weather guy this morning said scattered showers and a possibility of snow west and north of the city...I live neither of those two and it snowed for hours. You know when the flakes get really big that usually means the snow is almost over? Not today, it was big old chunks the whole time. There was an actual "diff" sound effect as each one of them hit my hood. So my point is work was a little harder today than I thought it would be, or on an average day so an hour of cardio was a little more challenging than I would prefer.
The high knees and jumping stuff really sucked...especially for my downstairs neighbor. I would feel bad about it but she and her boyfriend/cuckold fight all the time and I have to hear it so fair is fair. Again I couldn't really keep up with the guys on the DVD but it's only day two, I don't think I'm supposed to be keeping up.
So I'm 99% sure Erik Stolhanske of Supertroopers fame is one of the people working out on the DVD. I'm going to have to confer with my team of experts/friends to confirm this fact for you but that was pretty cool. Tomorrow is Shoulders&Arm plus abs agin...woo...I can't wait.

You ever think about loosing a few pounds there Rammy?

Monday, October 27, 2008


So I started this blog as a hope to be an outlet for my comedic outbursts and I'll admit, I've been lazy and sucked at it. So now, I'm going to try and use it for another purpose too. I recently ordered P90X, a DVD workout plan sold on the internet and over those TV infomercials. Long and short, it's a workout plan that gives you different workouts to do over 90 days and through "muscle confusion" your body never plateaus or gets used to the work out and the results are incredible.
I've been going to the gym pretty regularly over the last year plus and while I like what I see so far, I'm definitly looking for some visable results faster. I've been jogging and lifting, ran my first 5K earlier this month, but I still feel like I'm seen as a skinny guy. Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking to get absolutely huge, but I want to get myself in really good shape and have people be able to tell.
So I started P90X this evening. I worked today, not a very hard day at work but not a lazy one, came home, ate a lean quisine dinner, and put the day one DVD in. I can tell you right now it's the toughest workout I've done in a very long time. I'm a little disapointed tat I couldn't keep up with the people on the DVD at all but, it's my day one and they're trained professionals.
I'm going to try and keep my progress posted here and all that, right now I'm going to try and figure out how to put some day one pics up for you. By the way, my starting weight is 162lbs.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Career advice for y'all...

I was raised to believe that if you worked hard, whoever was in charge would notice, and it would pay off. It could be a promotion, a bonus, maybe a workload that you preferred, some how all the hard work would pay off for you in the end. My present employment predicament is a unionized situation, all of my raises, bonuses, and promotions are on a strict timeline that there's no way of getting around. Basically, you just have to show up everyday, keep your head above water, and your existence and attendance will lead to the spoils that I was taught hard work would bring.
I've been at this job for a little over a year now, I'm in the lowest position available. It sucks because I basically get shit on everyday but at the same time I have the lowest level of responsibility and the only way I can really get in trouble is if I try to. I still, since day one have busted my ass everyday at this job. My coworkers, who are at the same level as me, kind of just coast by and look at me as weird for being like this. I'm fine with that, I have gained the respect of my peers and coworkers a lot faster that they have.
Through all of my work I've become the "go-to guy" for my bosses, if there's a hard route that needs to be covered, I'm the guy, if there's overtime that needs to be taken care of, I'm the guy, if they need help with their computers, I'm the guy...I'm the guy. Which feels nice but as I've already explained, there's no financial or promotional value to any of this. And while I'm accumulating overtime and working my ass off, the slackers go home earlier, don't work as hard, get easier routes, and here's the killer, get paid the exact same amount as me.
Through all of this, I've come to a realization....on the first day of work....shit your pants. Excuse yourself, it was a freak accident. Clean yourself up, go home if you have to, but from that point on, every day that you don't shit your pants, will impress the crap out of your bosses. Even if you fuck up royally somewhere down the road, it will never be as bad as that day you shit your pants. Set that bar as low as you can get it. The less they ever expect out of you, the less you'll ever have to deal with. Now granted, you'll most likely never live it down, somewhere down the line someone will always bring that up but as you're coasting by getting paid just as much and never once being tested or strained...isn't it worth it?

Monday, July 14, 2008

I got strung by a bee...

So yeah, Mondays suck...I think we all can agree on that. Not only is it back to work for most of us but if your job is at all like mine, two days worth of work have piled up on you and it has to be taken care of in one. Today was a little worse than usual, probably precipitated by me coming back off a four day weekend. It had it's ups and downs but the insult added to my injury was when I got stung by a bee. Yes, I got strung by a bee, the last time i got stung by a bee I think I was 10...maybe 11. Who the hell gets stung by bees? It's believed that cell towers that provide the signals for our phones are scaring away most of the honey bees from north America. I'm not making that up, in the last couple years a large percentage, I'll go with majority, because I'm confident, of our continent's honey bees are migrating elsewhere. This is a bad thing...I guess...supposedly this means our plants and flowers are having a hard time being germinated, yadda yadda yadda, less plants...bad. The way I see it, I'm not a huge vegetable fan, flowers are pretty gay, I don't like bees, and I like my phone. Win, win, win, win. But wait! They're not all gone, yet. And one of the lone hold outs stung me. At first I thought it was a mosquito or something small that bit me but when I looked down, there he was, that little stripped fucker not only stinging me, but he was biting me too. Alright, I get it! Apparently my leg was posing a threat to the queen, kill it! I knocked the little shit off and there it was, his ass muscles still attached to the stinger still pumping his bee badness into my leg. My first thought was "ouch, that hurts" then it dawn on me that people have allergic reactions to bee stings and die from this shit. I paused, was I allergic? The last time, when I was 10, I did go to the hospital and get a shot, but I think that was mainly a precaution. I swallowed, took a few deep breaths, I thought about calling my boss and telling him I was going to the hospital and someone else was going to have to finish up for me, but I didn't notice my throat closing up or any problems breathing. It still hurt though, I took a little solace in knowing the bee was somewhere bleeding to death from the gaping ass wound it had just inflicted upon itself while protecting the hive. I went about my work but then I started thinking, maybe you don't die right away. Were these the last moments of my life? I looked up, there were some trees, a bird flew by. I felt like I should try to appreciate it more but I just wanted to finish my work and go home. Then I wondered if my bosses would appreciate my dedication, while poison was racing through my veins on it's way to killing me, I trudged on. I saw myself dead, laying in the walkway of this ridiculous apartment complex, my bosses coming out to find me and yell at me but finding only my cold lifeless body. Or maybe someone who lived there would call and tell them that I was taking a nap on the sidewalk, they should come fire me. Alas, as romantic and ironic as I had envisioned my death, I was breathing fine, no swelling, just a pain in my calf. Not to steal from Dane Cook, but man, getting killed by a bee is a shit way to die. If I ever get killed by a bee sting, still breathing, I hope I'm run over by a bus immediately afterwords. "How did Paul die?" "Well he was killed by a bee...I mean hit by a bus." See what I mean? If someone told you I was killed by a singular bee sting, I would hope you would laugh. If I heard you were killed by one, I would. I don't think it would stop me even if I was told by one of your loved ones. You were killed by a bee, they make honey. A black widow spider is pretty badass, a scorpion? Shitty powers ballads aside, they're pretty gnarly too. I'm a bee, I hang out in flowers, I will die a virgin, I killed you. I'll take the bus anyday. So yeah, I got stung by a bee today, Mondays suck.