Monday, July 14, 2008

I got strung by a bee...

So yeah, Mondays suck...I think we all can agree on that. Not only is it back to work for most of us but if your job is at all like mine, two days worth of work have piled up on you and it has to be taken care of in one. Today was a little worse than usual, probably precipitated by me coming back off a four day weekend. It had it's ups and downs but the insult added to my injury was when I got stung by a bee. Yes, I got strung by a bee, the last time i got stung by a bee I think I was 10...maybe 11. Who the hell gets stung by bees? It's believed that cell towers that provide the signals for our phones are scaring away most of the honey bees from north America. I'm not making that up, in the last couple years a large percentage, I'll go with majority, because I'm confident, of our continent's honey bees are migrating elsewhere. This is a bad thing...I guess...supposedly this means our plants and flowers are having a hard time being germinated, yadda yadda yadda, less plants...bad. The way I see it, I'm not a huge vegetable fan, flowers are pretty gay, I don't like bees, and I like my phone. Win, win, win, win. But wait! They're not all gone, yet. And one of the lone hold outs stung me. At first I thought it was a mosquito or something small that bit me but when I looked down, there he was, that little stripped fucker not only stinging me, but he was biting me too. Alright, I get it! Apparently my leg was posing a threat to the queen, kill it! I knocked the little shit off and there it was, his ass muscles still attached to the stinger still pumping his bee badness into my leg. My first thought was "ouch, that hurts" then it dawn on me that people have allergic reactions to bee stings and die from this shit. I paused, was I allergic? The last time, when I was 10, I did go to the hospital and get a shot, but I think that was mainly a precaution. I swallowed, took a few deep breaths, I thought about calling my boss and telling him I was going to the hospital and someone else was going to have to finish up for me, but I didn't notice my throat closing up or any problems breathing. It still hurt though, I took a little solace in knowing the bee was somewhere bleeding to death from the gaping ass wound it had just inflicted upon itself while protecting the hive. I went about my work but then I started thinking, maybe you don't die right away. Were these the last moments of my life? I looked up, there were some trees, a bird flew by. I felt like I should try to appreciate it more but I just wanted to finish my work and go home. Then I wondered if my bosses would appreciate my dedication, while poison was racing through my veins on it's way to killing me, I trudged on. I saw myself dead, laying in the walkway of this ridiculous apartment complex, my bosses coming out to find me and yell at me but finding only my cold lifeless body. Or maybe someone who lived there would call and tell them that I was taking a nap on the sidewalk, they should come fire me. Alas, as romantic and ironic as I had envisioned my death, I was breathing fine, no swelling, just a pain in my calf. Not to steal from Dane Cook, but man, getting killed by a bee is a shit way to die. If I ever get killed by a bee sting, still breathing, I hope I'm run over by a bus immediately afterwords. "How did Paul die?" "Well he was killed by a bee...I mean hit by a bus." See what I mean? If someone told you I was killed by a singular bee sting, I would hope you would laugh. If I heard you were killed by one, I would. I don't think it would stop me even if I was told by one of your loved ones. You were killed by a bee, they make honey. A black widow spider is pretty badass, a scorpion? Shitty powers ballads aside, they're pretty gnarly too. I'm a bee, I hang out in flowers, I will die a virgin, I killed you. I'll take the bus anyday. So yeah, I got stung by a bee today, Mondays suck.

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